Corruption is everywhere. In your toasted sandwiches. In your toilet. Everywhere. Everyone thinks only politicians and rich businessmen are corrupt. Everyone is so wrong. Wrong like kissing your sister wrong. I had an experience which can only be described as eye-opening. Mainly because I was still fast asleep when I had the experience.
My car (who shall remain anonymous) was clamped over the weekend in a parking lot (of a building which shall remain anonymous) by a **** (who shall remain anonymous). The night before, I got pretty drunk, hence my car needing to be parked overnight – note the responsibility in abundance over here. Also note how I used the word hence over there. I am a writer, can you tell?
So I thought I could just pay the exorbitant R30 for parking and be on my merry babalas way - but no. Oh no. When I walked to my car, a vicious-looking yellow metal biatch was hugging my wheel like a long-lost brother. Clamped like an ear that's about to be pierced and infected. So I went to the security desk and said with confused and innocent look on my face, “My wheel’s been clamped.” The guy (who shall remain anonymous and shall hereafter be referred to as X) knew exactly what I was talking about and immediately tried to strike a deal with me. He was thinking about this overnight and didn’t even try to hide it. He was cunning you see. He told me I can pay him a fifth of the price it would cost me to get my wheel unclamped and he’ll get it done. And me, in my troubled state (having paid like R150 for a taxi home the night before) accepted of course.
That man, X, is the lowest of lowlifes for trying to do that. It’s exploitation of a helpless individual who would’ve done anything to pay less than the downright ridiculous fee they charge for being responsible. What a cock he is, a vicious little cock.
Having said that, I kissed X for saving me money and told him what a wonderful guy he is. I even shook X’s hand and for almost a split second, I cherished the beauty of the human heart. Shortly before I turned around and cursed the countless examples of South African corruption for making people do this.
I appeal to anyone who may read this: DON’T ACCEPT ANY BRIBES. Unless of course they benefit you, which they will. You too, can be like me. Be responsible. Don’t drink and drive. Rather park your car somewhere and accept a bribe. I love South Africa. And you. Please write to me. I miss you.