Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Wingers United

Cristiano Ronaldo won the Barclays FA Premier League this year. The warm souls of the Premier League have decided to give the rest of the Manchester United team medals for wearing the kit and running on the field. They've also been allowed to put their hands on his trophy and stroke it – a motion they're used to behind the closed doors of the changing room. But honestly – they've done sweet fuckall but give him the ball.

Power to the guy though – he's like David Beckham (previously a United 'winger'), just without the once-smoking-hot wife. Ronaldo's a drama queen with the emphasis on queen. But the one thing he will never be able to do, is sit on the bench with the grace of Becks. The way he wears the kit, they way he pretends he understand the rules, and most of all, the way he lies, "I'm not here for the money." Of course you are you swamp-turtle. Who wants to play football in America?

So the proof is finally here, Manchester United breeds half-wits and wankers. As opposed to Liverpool who have given birth to the Beatles, the feisty Anne Robinson (both of which/who are not footballers) and of course Steven Gerrard – a real football player. Not one with a pansy free-kick stance and a perm.

The only time metro-sexual should ever be in a sentence with football is here: Football players are not meant to be metro-sexual. It's a scientific fact. Really – it's in the bible.

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