Sunday, April 5, 2009

Man arrested for bestiality

This, fresh off the printing press folks. Ernest Albert Boy, a 53 year old dairy farmer (not as young as his name may suggest) has been arrested on charges including bestiality.

For those of you who are uneducated or stupid, bestiality is a term for sexual relations with an animal. But those are not the only charges - Crimen Injuria (latin for something), Enticement (we’ll get to this later) and assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm and pointing a firearm.

So not only did this man “shove his love” into what I assume is a cow, but he enticed the not-so-little critter into his love-shack. So I’m assuming he lured the cow into his place of love-shoving with a candlelit dinner, Barry White and a juicy piece of steak. That is just beautiful and here’s why…

He lured the cow with the leftover pieces of what was very possibly a family member. This bumps the charges up to enforcement of cannibalism, which I just made up now. This also bumps the charges up to enforcing incest on a cow, by making him ‘eat his sister’. I also just made that up. So I’ve written a couple of headlines on behalf of the journalist:

The obvious one:

MAN BONES A COW.

Less obvious and slightly intelligent:

BOY BONES A COW.

Nearly subliminal but screamingly obvious:

MAN BONES A COW, AFTER ENTICING HIM WITH A CANDLELIT DINNER AND MAKING HIM EAT HIS SISTER AT GUNPOINT.

Which brings us to the last charge – pointing a firearm. How stupid does this sound? A man pointed a gun at a cow to force him to have sexual relations with his boss, after making him eat a family member.

When questioned, the victim only said “Moo” as he was clearly very emotional.

This goes a lot further than the news suggests. It’s a beautiful story. They are making a movie about it as we speak. It’s called Animal Farm 2: The Udder Side of the Story.

Just beautiful.

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