Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Kevin Peterson does us a favour

Every South African hates Kevin Pieterson for leaving the country to play for England. And every South African wants something bad to happen to him – like for someone to murder his cat or for him to lose his balls in a yachting accident. But nothing beats this.

He is the new Brylcreem boy. Bwahaha.



Now if someone had to chop off his leg with a chainsaw or piss on his cricket bat, that would be someone else inflicting shit on him. But by publicly classifying himself as a gay homosexual and new Brylcreem boy/girl, he’s inflicting shit on himself.

When David Beckham did it, us Liverpool supporters already knew he was a nancyboy. I mean this pic tells a story:



And while we’re here, check out this horrible punny-look-at-us-fancy-advertising-people-we-made-a-funny ad:



Keeps your hair right in the picture. You see what they tried to do there? You see how they failed?

Anyway, let’s not distract ourselves from the point of this, to laugh at Kevin Pieterson until our stomachs cramp and we wet ourselves. Thank you KP, for doing us a favour - we love you.

Bwa.

Ha.

Ha.

Mall-haters anonymous

Hi I’m Stefan and I hate shopping malls.

I hate the family having their special time at Ocean Basket. I hate the zitty-faced 12 year old at the arcade trying to score the hot chick that thinks he’s ugly as fuck. I hate the fat guy who’s trying to get to the front of the KFC queue. I hate the movies. I hate Clint, the shop assistant at Clicks with the tits.

But the anal cyst of shopping malls is those signs:



Back in 5 minutes. Thanks for letting me know. But what I’d like to know is did you put it up 5 minutes ago? Or did you put it up 1 minute ago? Should I wait around? How long is still left of the 5 minutes? Or did you go for a pee that turned into a violent poo?

Tools.

But I’ve decided not to physically attack any shop assistants/managers/owners for their stupidity - it’s no secret that they’re not the brightest crayons in the tool shed. It’s not their fault.

Thank you for sharing Stefan.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Clint

I was starting to smell a bit funky, so I stopped off at Clicks to buy some hygiene for just R29.95. So I ambled through the aisles (trying not to laugh at the shampoo promo girl’s makeup/fuckup) and got my stuff. Then I get to the till.

1 X miserable tit behind the counter with a badge that said ‘Clint’ – I think they got a couple of letters wrong on his nametag.

No “good morning”, no “hi”, just the stupid question that never gets a yes - “Do you have a clicks club card?” He was a bit of a tit.

I’m not one to pass up an opportunity, so I thought I’d have a bit of fun with Clint the tit. Actually, funny I should call him tit, cos he had tits. Like Meatloaf’s character in Fight Club.


Now I could’ve carried my stuff out in my hands, but I figured I’d get a bag to make my life easier. But for some reason, when the tits asked me if I wanted a bag, I said no.

So I watched him exhaust himself unpacking my basket onto the counter. Then when he gave me the total and that’s when I ‘changed my mind’ and asked for a bag. Then I watched with joy as the sweat patches under his arms got bigger while he repacked everything into my bag.

He was not happy, maybe cos his tits were starting to sag. He’s just lucky I was in a good mood, else I would’ve paid in donkies.

So I walked away with a smile on my face and secretly put a doekoem on him for someone to murder his cat.
While we’re here, does anyone know why the Clicks logo has a unicorn on it?



Monday, September 14, 2009

Serena Corleone

Well, well, well. Serena Williams has been invited to be an honorary member of the Corleone family after she threatened to kill a match official at the US Open.

Vito

Michael

Serena

It seems that after the deaths of Vito and Michael, they need some real muscle in the family. Enter Serena. She scared the shit out of that puny little match official. It is alleged that she said "I'll kill you".

Bullshit. "Tonight, you sleep with the fishes you rat fuck" That's what really happened.

Apparently, they were going to start calling her Godmother but it was misleading.

The Godfather it is.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Special People

Some people are geniuses, some people are naturally retarded, but some people are just special. Enjoy this album cover. True story:


If this is a real album, which my superior talents of perception and spider senses tell me, what kind of tracks could possibly be on there?


1. Thank you for the pigeon.
2. Come fly with me (duet with Frank Sinatra)
3. Kurr Kurr.
4. Why we shouldn't laugh at retards.
5. From Jesus with love, thanks for my dove.
Bonus Track: Why we shouldn't laugh at retards reprise.
I say again, some people are just special. Thank you for the dove Mike Adkins.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Caster Semenya in matric


Bwahaha. I feel extremely sorry for this woman, as do most people in SA, but when i got this in my inbox, I couldn't let it pass.

While we're here. Julius Malema, ANC Youth League leader and professional cunt-muscle, was at a press conference with Caster, sitting next to her when he said, pointing at her in front of a moerse presspit:

"Does this look like a man? This is not a man."

FAIL.

What an absolute chop. But that's why we love to hate him.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Suicidal Suicidal

Remember that song from the fat Jamaican kid? "You had me suicidal, suicidal, when you said it's over."

Someone told this chick in Barcelona that's it over. So she figured to get his attention, she'll jump from a 25m-high bridge/balcony/plane. Fair enough, I'm never one to stand in the way of a suicidal person. But someone else was. She landed on an unsuspecting guy who was taking an afternoon stroll on the side-walk, which I have now dubbed Suicide-Walk™.

All reports I read said that the woman who jumped had in fact died. I have been waiting a long time to use this line, courtesy of Delboy.

The woman died? Really? Were you born with such perception or did you learn it from some ancient Chinese master?

Condolences to the family of the man who died of suicide.

Suicide-Walk™, you know you like it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Survivor fans deeply upset

Hordes of Survivor fans gathered outside the SABC on Tuesday morning to protest about the SABC’s botched flighting of the final episode of Survivor. Among the crowd whose lives were deeply affected by this ‘mistake’, were single moms, members of various internet dating sites and organisers of workplace survivor draws.

Cyril Plaatjies, a 45-year-old intern at an I.T. company said he would have to make other fun plans for Monday nights as he’s lost all loyalty to not only the SABC, but Survivor. He also organised the company’s random Survivor draw and said, “My street cred has been blown to pieces by this mistake. Who’s to say that they won’t just overlook me when someone has to organise the ‘Amazing Race draw?”

The SABC released a short statement, claiming it was not a mistake:

“It was planned. We just don’t want to waste the public’s time by making them watch the pointless parts of the episode. We would rather cut to the chase so that we can play re-runs of Top Billing in its place. Jeannie D knows what she’s talking about and they tackle real issues, like d├ęcor and celebrity weddings. And if you had cancer, would you rather like to know a day before you die, or would you want to know straight away?”

But when asked if their decision was reversible, they said, “The board has spoken.”

The SABC has agreed to flight an episode of Joey and an Eros Ramazotti concert for anyone who would still like to watch shit TV next Monday night.