Thursday, October 29, 2009

Mall-haters anonymous – meeting 2

Okay Children.

I remember telling you this before when I was airing my underpants about that moronic ‘back in 5 minutes’ sign. I distinctly remember using the power of psychic suggestion to get shop assistants to change those retarded signs:

A ‘This store will open at 20h00’ sign will be so much more effective than a ‘Back in 5 minutes’ sign, then we’d all know exactly what time to come back.

Last night, due to factors outside my control, I had to go to Canal Walk, but thanks to a shop assistant with a single-digit IQ, my visit was worthwhile.

Now everything was set up for them to make the perfect out-of-shop sign. For you and for me and the entire human race. It was so very nearly understandable. Do you think they managed to use it properly? Fuck-to-the-nizzay.

This store will reopen at back in 20 minutes. Fucking chops.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Surprise surprise

Sir Turd Ferguson has blamed the referee after his ‘team’ lost 2 - 0 to Liverpool yesterday. Sorry, I mean his ‘team’ were beaten by Liverpool yesterday.

2 - 0. A fair win and a great win. But not according to the biggest whinger the game has ever seen.

Hardly surprising this:

“The ref was too young and inexperienced to handle a game of such stature,” he vomited in the press today.

How about “Liverpool played the better game”, or “Liverpool were deserving winners”.

A compliment like that will never spew forth from the mouth of that Turd.

Anyway, besides the much-needed win and impressive display from Liverpool, the fans were given the chance to verbally abuse once-great midget Michael Owen, who committed the most unheard-of act of treachery when he moved to the dirty Mancs.

A beautiful moment captured on camera:

Here, we see Michael Owen’s introduction onto the field yesterday: A Scottish Hillbilly leading a Massive Cock onto the field.
Can you hear the boos? Can you see the spit flying in his general direction?

Beautiful day it was though. 2 - 0.

“But it was the referee’s fault.”

Friday, October 23, 2009

Mickey Mouse

So here’s a funny story.

My sister’s in Matric, mkay. So the day before valedictory, they have a little thing called the Mickey Mouse Awards. They give out a whole bunch of phoney awards to the useless people of the class who don’t win anything else:

Person with the stupidest nickname, fattest kankles, most likely to contract a venereal disease, most likely to be a failure in life, become leader of the ANC Youth League etc.

But there was some severe retardation to come at these awards. Here’s what happened:

Now, the award for couple who should be together. It’s Guy X and Girl Y.

But Girl X, the girlfriend of the Guy X was not very happy about this and stormed out. The mascara was running down her cheek and the urine was running down everyone else’s legs. Then:

Time for the next award. Couple most likely to get married. It’s Guy X and Girl X. Girl X is still outside crying. So her lying, cheating, no-good, son-of-a-bitch boyfriend (for effect), goes to fetch her.

So this chop runs gets his desperate housewife and carries her back inside like she’s going into the ER with a severed leg. He takes her onto the stage then proposes to her. As in marriage. As in “Please will you do my dishes for the rest of my life?”

Guess what she said.

Seriously people, can we get a level of sanity going here. Two 18 year olds are getting married because they watched High School Musical too many times. For crying out loud outside.

I normally reserve blasphemy for when my girlfriend talks while the soccer’s on, but good lord people.

Like sands through the hourglass.

They’re going to have 9 toasters at the age of 19.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Do as the Roman does

It would seem there’s quite a bit of support for dirty paedophile Roman Polanski, famous for directing a couple of movies and raping a 13-year-old girl. A massive bunch of famous people are quite supportive of him and are clearly also into touching little people. Here are some pics of the support:

Now I’m just spitballing here, but I think these people all look like paedophiles. Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, David Lynch and Pablo Something-or-other. No wonder they support the touching of 13 year olds. Crazy grey hair, big black glasses and emergency packets of sweets in their back pockets. And there are more over here.

We all know Woody Allen married his step-adopted-daughter-in-law or something, so my accusations have a bit more credit than you thought.

Someone who doesn’t feature on this list though, is Whoopi Goldberg.

She famously said “Roman Polanski didn’t commit rape-rape”. She said it was more the colour light lavender than the colour purple.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Irony from an organ donor

“Irony is like silvery and bronzy, just made out of iron.” – Private S. Baldrick

Anyway, apparently there are some people in Egypt buying and selling human organs.

So on IOL this morning, I see that one of the men - who was desperately poor and was forced to sell his kidney – made a funny. Check it out:

See what he did there? He regrets selling his KIDNEY, with all his HEART. Oh the irony.

Nice dude. In spite of all his hardships, he hasn’t forgotten his sense of humour. That’s a beautiful thing. He’s technically a dirty-whore-prostitute-slut though, selling his body and all.

I once tried to sell my liver and lungs to an old war veteran on his deathbed. He said, “Over my dead body”.

I thought that was ironic too.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

SAFA's fuckups

Surprise surprise, the most efficient sporting organisation in South Africa has effed it all up.

1st fuckup:

They’ve fired Joel Santana with just 233 days to go to the 2010 World Cup. That’s not much time for the new coach to get the team ready for ze virld kup. They should’ve fired him months ago, nay, they shouldn’t have hired him in the first place – we’ve got manienie-plenty able coaches to do the job.

2nd fuckup:

SAFA probably don’t know that it’s socially unacceptable to fire a leper. Poor Joel’s gonna struggle to find a job now. You don’t do that. It’s like when the mentally handicapped person asks you to dance, you say yes.

3rd fuckup:

Raymond hack and this new guy with a girl’s name said they want a Brazilian, so they went to a ladies’ spa and got a wax.

4th fuckup to come:

They’re gonna hire some has-been foreigner to be the new coach. Apparently, they wanted to get Sir Alf Ramsey, who managed England to World Cup Victory in 1966, but they didn’t know he was dead. So now it’s going to be Carlos Alberto Parreira. Not Gavin Hunt, not Clive Barker, not Jomo Sono, but a Brazilian chop with a world cup medal.

Joel Santana was very upset. In his farewell statement, he blamed the language barrier for his kak results as coach. He said:

“Espero que todos bloqueia em seus galos vocĂȘ monte inĂștil de linhagens.”


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Near-death Experience

I’ve always heard about this happening. After a near-death experience, people change their lives for the better. My life has just flashed before my eyes. I remembered all the bad things I’ve done and the people I’ve hurt. I’ve made a list of resolutions so that I can be a better person. (My Name is Earl):

Stop smoking

Tell my loved ones more often that I love them

Make every effort to watch Liverpool at Anfield

Watch Ben Hur

Stop saying the P word to taxi drivers

Give paper money to the guy with the black bag at the robots

Give my change to the little cripple statue at Pick ‘n’ Pay

Cut off Michael Owen’s leg and beat him to death with his own limb

Go to church more than twice a year

Because I care about you and I’d like YOU to also change your life for the better, I’m going to share my near-death experience with you.

With special thanks to Serena Williams and ESPN. Here it is:

God bless you.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Drop-kick for love

Before you read, just remember that you heard it here 2nd, possibly even 3rd or 4th. Or on IOL.

Percy Montgomery, possibly South Africa’s most famous Springbok, allegedly drop-kicked the shit out of his ‘beloved wife’ after getting drunk at some restaurant/hotel opening. But it gets worse. Not only did he moerrr his wife, but he moerrred her family to.

From IOL:

“It is alleged that he used physical force to injure his wife and some of his in-laws, which included his father-in-law.”

Sugar-coat it as much as you like – that means he moerrred them. Allegedly.

Will Ferrel/Jackie Moon once famously said, “I’ll murder your family.”

Percy Montgomery has gone for the slightly lesser evil. “I’ll moerrr your family.”

I’m just spit-balling here, but I’m pretty sure that if these allegations are true, Percy’s pretty-boy vibe and long blonde hair will go down very well in jail.

I think someone’s going to drop their anchor in Percy’s Poo Bay. Bad boy Percy.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Gerald Neves and friends

There’s a guy at UCT called Gerald Neves. Gerald was running for the UCT Student Rep Council. I’m pretty sure Gerald wasn’t elected. Do you want to know why Gerald wasn’t elected? I’ll show you why Gerald wasn’t elected. Gerald wasn’t elected because of his campaign slogan.

“Gerald I’d like to ask you a few questions if that’s OK with you?”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine thank you Gerald. Please tell me what you plan to about the illegal gambling happening on campus.”

“How are you doing? OK?”

“Thank you Gerald. Now I know this is a delicate subject, but what is your stance on student/lecturer relationships?”

“Are you well?”

“Thank you Gerald. Now some people have been talking around campus and it’s rumoured that you want to make the canteen more expensive to pay for a WW 1 memorial garden. Is there any truth to this?”

“How’s it going?”

“Gerald, I think you’re a chop.”

“How are things on your side?”

If anyone actually knows if Gerald Neves was elected to the SRC, please let me know. Before we go, this is the absolute genius he was up against. Sorry for the bad pictures but I think it's quite fitting given the thought put into these campaign slogans:

Wanted poster - "Students' empowerment by all means"

Mamba gyms every day so he can be SRC president - "Ready for the job, fit for the job."

This is sooo clever, he took a movie name and made a campaign slogan - "Make it Better" - featuring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.

These guys just want to party. It says 'Disco Dance' and it says 'Hey, I think we can be friends".

But none of them want to know how I am. I would've voted for Gerald Neves.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Roman Polanski’s got balls

It takes a lot of balls to be a film director.

It takes even more balls to be a male film director.

It takes even more balls to be a film director and rape a 13 year old girl and plead guilty and flee the country and survive prosecution for like 30 years and then get gevang.

But this is where real proper steel balls with platinum reinforcements are needed.

I hear via a trusted source (i.e. me) that Roman Polanski is trying to buy rights from Disney, to make Primary School Musical. He’s taking a page out of Barbara Streisand’s book - he’s directing it, producing it, he’s singing the theme tune, he’s writing the soundtrack and he’s the official paedophile for all 6 versions.

He’s also got the rights to produce:

Primary School Musical 2: 2nd grade
Primary School Musical 3: 3rd grade
Primary School Musical 4: Flirting with Mr Harris
Primary School Musical 5: Getting an A from Mr Harris
Primary School Musical 6: Dropping out.

Roman Polanksi’s got balls. But he’s still a disgusting paedophile.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


Here’s yet another saying which is about as useful as a cock-favoured lollipop:

"Everything happens for a reason."


It’s one of those things people say to reassure you after you lose your job/house/car/cat or if you had a shit interview. But you end up just laughing at the tit who says it to you

The twin towers just tumbled to the ground. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Er yes, that would be the 2 fuckoff big planes that just flew into them.

I just lost my leg. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Er yes, that would be me playing with a chainsaw under the affluence of incohol.

I didn’t get the job. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Er yes, that’s because I pretended the lady that interviewed me was choking – so I felt her boobs while attempting the Heimlich Manoeuvre. “What are you doing?” she said. I said “What are YOU doing tonight?”

Everything does happen for a reason, but really people, let’s try and stop being so stupid and obvious about it. Fuck.