Monday, November 30, 2009

Fucking-retarded-goffel-midget-hippie

Alright. I'm a good driver. I abide by the rules of the road with such obedience that catholic nuns would squeeze my bumcheeks.

So this morning, I had woken up nice and early, spent 30 minutes just looking out the window and counting my blessings. On my way to work, all the robots were green except one, where I had a nice hello-howzit conversation with the guy with the black back at the red light. I was driving at a cruising speed of 70kmph, listening to the sweet sounds of Johnny Cash and savouring the beauty of the day that lay ahead.

And then, like a shit-fart in a clean white pair of underpants, a fucking-retarded-goffel-midget-hippie in a old-school Mini appears out of nowhere, driving like a fuckface and nearly wiping the side of my Toyota Conquest.



If anyone happens to see this fucking-retarded-goffel-midget-hippie, please would you extend your middle finger in her general direction. Maybe call her a fucking-retarded-goffel-midget-hippie or comment as to the state of her mother's genetalia.

Fucking-retarded-goffel-midget-hippie.

Massive croc spotted in Germiston Lake

“Oh golly! Look at this beeeeeauty we spotted at the Germiston Lake in South Africa. The little bugger nearly bit my head off. I was actually so surprised to see a croc of this size I nearly fell outta me caaaaaaar!

This particular species of croc is very popular in these heeeere paaaarts. Not the most attractive fella around but still loved by many, despite his ability to kill humans when they maaaaike oooieye contekt.

Check this little bugger out.”

RIP Steve Irwin. We miss you.

How many times have you fell for one of these kak email tricks?

Check out this cracker:

Horrific F1 accident:

But we all hate crocs so let’s just accept this as a ‘good one’ and move on as if nothing happened.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Old people

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one whose grandparents think they’re always under attack like Basil Fawlty and Ze Germans.


Since I was old enough to understand them, my grandparents and other people in their stupid years, come up with the most ridiculous shit. Stuff that only happens in Mission Impossible.

“Don’t take sweets from the children at school because they put drugs in them and then it gets you hooked, and then you have to go to rehab and people are going to rape you there.”

“Be careful when you take your change after you pay for your parking. The people put ‘AIDS needles’ in there, then it pricks your finger, then you get AIDS.”

“I think someone’s stealing the airtime on my cellphone.”

Trying to teach my grandmother to use a cellphone was like being continuously slapped on the cheek with a 10-inch dildo while being made to listen to Josh Groban on repeat. Painful and traumatising.

I come across this little gem of an old lady forcing her husband to help her hide her pin number at the ATM.

That’s a beautiful thing.

Let’s try and save them by keeping them away from ‘new’ stuff. Like cellphones and ATMs.

Oh and cars.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

David Beckham has a big secret

So iol has this really enticing headline:

David Beckham’s biggest secret revealed.

Shock/horror! What could it be? Oh my God! I have to click this link to see what it is! This could change my life! It may just be the biggest news this week until we find out that Oprah has changed her mind about stopping her piece-of-rubbish show!

This has happened before with celebs:

Aaaaah!!!!! Caster Semenya is a hermaphrodite!

Aaaaah!!!!! Uri Els tickled Robbie Klay’s Willie!

Aaaaah!!!!! Joost has a sex tape with his other Amore!


Aaaaah!!!!! Percy Montgomery moered his wife! (More here)

Aaaaah!!!!! Cristiano Ronaldo drops his anchor in poo bay!
(More here)

Aaaaah!!!!! Hansie fixed cricket matches!

Aaaaah!!!!! Andre Agassi was a tik-monster who wore a wig!

Aaaaah!!!!! Freddie Mercury has AIDS!

Aaaaah!!!!! OJ Simpson killed his wife!


So what could it be? Is he gay? Is does he have a prosthetic ankle? This has the potential to be MASSIVE!

Aaaaah!!!!! David Beckham has Asthma!

Oh my word. I feel so sorry for him. How does he manage to live with that same thing half of the world’s population has. Oh no, poor Posh. And his poor kids. Let’s do a documentary about Becks and his fucking asthma.

Anticlimax FAIL!

Big reveal FAIL!

Breathing FAIL!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Thierry Henry's Wikipedia Page

For those of you who have been stuck in Josef Fritzl’s basement for the last week and don’t know, Thierry Henry committed the most disgusting handball since Diego Maradona’s Hand of God in 1986.

His handball led to a goal which knocked Ireland out of the World Cup – so they’ll be watching next year’s World Cup on TV in Ireland. So, some clever clogs changed Henry’s Wikipedia page to use the word ‘cunt’. A lot. Bwahaha. Check it out (click on it for a larger image):

Here's the link (http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Thierry_Henry&oldid=326715091) but I doubt it still works cos Wikipedia have caught on - this is what it says now on the site (click again for a larger view):

It's a beautiful thing.

Thierry ¨Le CUNT¨ Henry (French pronunciation: [tjɛʁi ɑ̃ˈʁi]; born 17 August 1977) is a French CUNT footballer who plays for Spanish La Liga club Barcelona and the CUNTING French national team, predominantly as a CUNT.
Bwah.
Ha.
Ha.





























14 kids and counting

Seriously – check it out:

A mum-of-13 who costs taxpayers £50,000 a year has said she won't stop having kids until she gives birth to twins.

Baby machine Sara Foss, 39, is due to give birth to her 14th child in April but will try to get pregnant again as soon as possible to realise her dream.

The brazen mum said today: "All I've ever wanted is twins or triplets. It's my biggest wish, and I'm going to keep trying until I do it. It would be fantastic. In fact, I won't stop trying until I've done it. I love having babies - it's the most wonderful thing in the world."

Sara was 16 when she had her first baby, Patrick, in 1986 - but, traumatised by giving birth, she vowed not to have any more children. It was a decade before she changed her mind and had a second son, Stephen - and she has almost averaged a birth a year ever since.

"I got over my fear of labour and just started having kids. They're all brilliant. They don't give me any bother. They're fantastic."

Her mammoth brood now comprises Patrick, 23, Stephen, 13, Malachai, 12, Peppermint, 11, Echo, 10, Eli, nine, Rogue, eight, Frodo, seven, Morpheus, five, Artemis, four, Blackbird, three, Baudelaire, two, and nine-month-old Voorhees.

All bar Patrick share a three-bedroom council house with their mother and father, Sara's long-term partner Stephen Smith, 40.

So this chick is about to give birth to her 14th child.

14. That’s one for every day of a fortnight. One for every player in a soccer team, including 3 subs. I bet we’re all picturing the same thing at this exact moment. The sleeve of a wizard.

Okay pretty amazing and all that shit. Maybe they don’t have a TV. Maybe they’re old school Catholics. Who cares why? What I care about is the names of the poor little brats.

Patrick - standard name, although a little gay
Stephen – standard – that’s fine

Malachai
So maybe they are Catholic

Eli
Okay maybe they’re Jewish.

Peppermint
What the fuck? I bet they didn’t mind changing his/her nappies.

Echo, echo, echo
Imagine calling that kid in a 3-room council house.

Rogue
I bet she liked X-Men

Frodo
I bet this one’s ‘mommy’s precious’

Morpheus
I her birth control pills confused her. She didn’t know whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.
Artemis
No comment.

Blackbird
I bet this one is a chick.

Baudelaire
That’s a surname. Like the one in Leminy Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events.

Voorhees
O ek wil huistoe gaan, na mama en my 13 broers en susters toe. Die huis is vol and my trane rol. Daai ou wat vanaand by my ma wil le, hy can maar le, sy is a loslappie.

So when she uses her vagina for what’s sure to be the last time before amputation, what are the twins or triplets names going to be?

Wolverine?
David and Goliath.?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph?
Neo and Trinity?
Peaches and Cream?
Hewey, Louis and Dewey?
Hawk?
Schmegel and Gandalf ?

Poor, poor, vagina.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Oprah finds cure for Spontaneous Vomiting

Spontaneous Vomiting, or Sponti Kotz-alitis, is a disease which affects men from the ages of 3 to dead. Symptoms include spontaneous vomiting and nothing else. It is caused by being in the near vicinity of a television set while the Oprah Winfrey Show is on (and in some cases, any time Oprah is seen by the naked eye). Females and homosexual males are immune.

And now, finally, after 25 years of violent streams of vomit spewing forth from the mouths of men, Oprah has found a cure. She is stopping the show.

How does 25 years of talking shit and giving away free stuff make someone a million-billion-gazillion-trillion-airre?

I would just like to thank everyone and everything that helped make this shit stop:

Oprah’s famous yo-yo diet, Tom Cruise, God, The Colour Purple, The ABC Network and finally, men.

I’ve so many stories involving Oprah:

One time, I was within a 15-metre radius of the TV while Oprah was on, and I accidentally butchered someone’s face with a butter knife. I didn’t even know it was happening – it was like my mind was being controlled.

Then there was the time I was on SABC 2 while Oprah was on. I really loved that dog. Rest in peace my sweet.

There are also some other violent crimes I’ve committed thanks to Oprah, but due to my out-of-court settlements and confidentiality agreements I have with the involved parties, I can not discuss them.

I really really hate Oprah but I’ve found it in my heart to thank her for making it all stop.

And for finding the cure for Sponti Kotz-alitis.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Call the King of Pop a paedophile and die

Evan Chandler, the guy who accused Michael Jackson of sexually abusing his kid is dead. This is the oke who said Michael Jackson was the tickle monster that tickled his kid, Jordan Chandler. Allegedly, he was tickled on the willy and general surrounds.

Here’s the Mike, the kid and the dead. I mean the dad.

I’ve written a poem in his honour:

The man who said The King of Pop
Touched his boytjie’s lollipop,
Was alive and now he’s dead -
Single gunshot wound to the head.
The man in question, Evan Chandler
Called the King a kiddie-handler.
Robbed The King of all his pride
And then committed suicide.

(By the way, I am actually a published poet – something I dabbled in during my younger years.)

So he killed himself and it’s so sad blah blah wadda wadda. But the funny part of the whole story on Tonight (here) is a comment from Santa Barbara County Sheriff Jim Thomas – the guy who handled the case. He said:

“Everybody in this whole saga was touched tragically.”

Bwahaha, you see what he did there?

“Touched tragically.”

Whether he was trying to make a funny, we’ll never know.

Anyway Evan Chandler is dead. Apparently, his last words were, “This is it”.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

AIDS ribbons

Apparently, AIDS is a pretty serious thing. So I fully understand and support people who wear the little inconspicuous red ribbons on there lapels.

It’s says simple. It’s says sweet. It’s says "I truly care".

But there’s a new ribbon in town. State-of-the-art flashing AIDS ribbon.

Not a word of lie. For those "look at me" people who want to appear to care.

It doesn’t say simple, it doesn’t say sweet, and it certainly doesn’t say "I care".

It says, no it screams:

“HEY LOOK AT ME! I SUPPORT THE AIDS! I’M GOING TO PUT THIS GREAT BIG FUCKOFF FLASHING AIDS BADGE ON MY GOLD SEQUINED GUCCI JACKET SO PEOPLE CAN KNOW I SUPPORT THE AIDS!

AIDS MEANS AN INTERNAL DISEASE SICKNESS!
I WANT TO SHOW MY SUPPORT FOR THE CHILDREN IN ADDIS ABABA WHO HAVE IT!

I DONATE SMALL CHANGE TO THE AIDS AWARENESS EVERY TWO YEARS AND THEY ARE SO GRATEFUL! BUT I DO IT JUST TO SEE THE LOOK ON THOSE KIDS’ FACES!”

!!!

Can we please not get silly about a serious thing? Let’s support AIDS by getting a ribbon in time for World AIDS day on 1 December.

http://www.worldaidsday.org/

Or if you don’t really care, GET A GREAT BIG FUCKOFF FLASHING ONE.




Vuvuzelas and Ras Dumisani

So Japan and the boks have gone with the same vibe after sub-zero performances this weekend.

Japan couldn't score against Bafana so they blamed the noise of the Vuvuzelas in the crowd. I have personally had a Vuvuzela of mine stolen which injured me traumatically (read it here if you like). It was the Japanese Chief of Football who called for them to be banned. And people agreed. South African people. Some of the comments on iol were pretty funny.


Roy said: "The sound produced is equal to a giant fart from the bowel of the very hell itself. Tradition my backside. Shows the level of development. No and definitly never."


Anonymous said: "Who said once that "empty barrels make the most noise!" Nobody you twat.


Anonymous again: "Hey Japan ban Whale , Dolphin and Seal hunting then we will ban it, clean up your own back yard first, looks like you still infected with radiation poisining, stupid retards."


Dirk: "Please ban the stupid vuvuzela. It is not culture. White people don't blow on vuvuzelas so no its not "South African"


Someone always has to play the race card.


The Boks, blamed Ras Dumisani for breaking their vibe with his hondkak rendition of the National Anthem. Except I agree with this one. Here's Ras Dumisani defending himself (from Zoopy):



Too funny. What a fucking chop.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

SA's got no airtime

Sweet lord above. What the fuck just happened on SA’s Got Talent last night? There were only 2 talented people in the final.

The beatboxer guy was balls-to-the-wall trippy cool:

And the guy on the guitar made me go from 6 to midnight just from listening to him.


15 out of 10 for both of them. But the rest of those chops had as much talent as I have in my infected ingrown toenail with the seeping pus.

There was this little fag who dances like the whore from Little Miss Sunshine.

On a scale of 1 to kak, he’s kak.

There were these bros who put the op in opera - when you listen to them it’s like being in theatre, minus the anaesthetic. And the one brother had that 'sad' story about his girlfriend leaving him and he was tjanking on national television.

Talent rating of 1/10.

Then the winner, a mildly talented dancer who won because he was deaf. Sympathy vote for that and then sympathy vote for his translator, who showed signs of mental handicap and homosexuality. Triple whammy.

Talent rating – 3/10.


But this little bundle of joy brought the house down despite her act being reminiscent of Quasimodo’s bell-ringing in his twilight years. It makes me bring back an old thing me and my friend used to say:

“Jy lielik, gaan koop bunnylicks.”

Talent rating of minus 32.


SA has got talent but it’s like trying to find a piece of hay in a stack full of needles. And judging by those talentless chops in the final, SA hasn’t got talent, SA’s got no airtime to vote.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Toothbrushes and ice-cream at the game

I've noticed there are some sports 'fans' who don't watch the game.

"Hey did you check the game lastnight?"

Responses vary:

"No I was cleaning my shoes."
"No I was spending some quality time with my girlfriend."
"No I watched Strictly Come Dancing."


But never before have I heard someone say they were brushing there teeth when the game was on. Check it out - it loads quickly.



video


No word of lie. Big coat with sunglasses and brushing his teeth.

Earlier this year at the Confed Cup, there was this little kid, who didn't know that the ice-cream was meant to go in his mouth:

video

Bwahaha. On youtube, people left some nasty, but bwahaha-inducing comments:

I hope you can read that, cos I'm not repeating it - then it would be almost like I'm saying that.

Shame, probably United fans.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Funeral for a friend

We all know that Matric Balls are generally fuckshows.

The girls can dress slutty and paint their faces.
The guys can wear a standard black suit with a tie to match their partner’s dress.
They get to arrive in the most outrageous car they can find.

This is probably the most important thing, because there’s normally that rent-a-crowd outside the venue ready to scream like you’re the walking corpse of Michael Jackson. In my year, I went in a limo. 3 girls who were best friends came in matching minis. And I think someone came in a taxi (minibus).

But this one takes the cake. Takes the cake and smothers it all over its mouth while singing I excerpts from ‘I want to live in America’.

Not a word of lie, this chick came in a coffin. Pall bearers and all.



Jesus (which is funny because Jesus normally attends funerals).

This is the part where the ridiculous one-liners spew forth from my mouth:

She looks drop-dead gorgeous.

She entered the room with such Amazing Grace.

I don’t think she re-hearsed her entrance.

Sorry, I’m just trying to help us all deal with this situation.