Friday, November 20, 2009

Oprah finds cure for Spontaneous Vomiting

Spontaneous Vomiting, or Sponti Kotz-alitis, is a disease which affects men from the ages of 3 to dead. Symptoms include spontaneous vomiting and nothing else. It is caused by being in the near vicinity of a television set while the Oprah Winfrey Show is on (and in some cases, any time Oprah is seen by the naked eye). Females and homosexual males are immune.

And now, finally, after 25 years of violent streams of vomit spewing forth from the mouths of men, Oprah has found a cure. She is stopping the show.

How does 25 years of talking shit and giving away free stuff make someone a million-billion-gazillion-trillion-airre?

I would just like to thank everyone and everything that helped make this shit stop:

Oprah’s famous yo-yo diet, Tom Cruise, God, The Colour Purple, The ABC Network and finally, men.

I’ve so many stories involving Oprah:

One time, I was within a 15-metre radius of the TV while Oprah was on, and I accidentally butchered someone’s face with a butter knife. I didn’t even know it was happening – it was like my mind was being controlled.

Then there was the time I was on SABC 2 while Oprah was on. I really loved that dog. Rest in peace my sweet.

There are also some other violent crimes I’ve committed thanks to Oprah, but due to my out-of-court settlements and confidentiality agreements I have with the involved parties, I can not discuss them.

I really really hate Oprah but I’ve found it in my heart to thank her for making it all stop.

And for finding the cure for Sponti Kotz-alitis.

1 comment:

lyle said...

Now Stefan, that;s just not fare. she is a ion of her times.