Thursday, December 17, 2009

Stef’s Law: The Theory of Dirtivity

I have a theory which I have been formulating for many years now. A theory that could bring joy to so many troubled souls, light to the darkness and vomit to the vegans.

Stef’s Law states that the deliciousness of food is directly proportionate to the filthiness of the environment in which it was prepared.

This is not true for all values of X, as vegans are retarded and don’t like food in general.

Examples as to the awesomeness of Stef’s Law are Zanzibar (in Voortrekker Road not Tanzania), Wembley, Miriam’s, Pizza Time and Golden Dish.

So if the place is dirty, the food is good – doesn’t matter what environment it’s prepared in.

But Knead in Wembley Square have taken it too far. This badly taken pic (by me) is next to their pricelist so you’re forced to look at this kak while you’re waiting for your food (which is average):

The red circles are general areas of concern:

1 – The Knead Paed

The paedophile-looking guy in the middle is not only playing with your bread, but his hands are probably dirty from that little boy. And that smile on his face? That’s not a standard smile, like when someone makes a funny. That’s a sadistic smile – like Charles Manson meets Roman Polanski.

2: Bread party on the left

Whoo-hoo! It’s a frikkin bread party. They’re just chilling there laughing about dough and stuff. There’s just so much wrong with the bread party. There’s the guy with my bread sticks in his pockets, next to his Spur wallet. And then there’s the guy who’s got his asscrack on the table where the other guy’s making the bread.

3: Feeling up the bread

Then there’s the hand at the bottom that’s molesting my bread so my sandwich is traumatised.

Dammit people, I don’t mind a greasy preparation surface or dirt on the floor of the kitchen, but I don’t want my bread in someone’s pockets, or someone’s ass on the table, or a creepy smile – never mind the violation of my bread’s rights by molestation.

But Stef’s Theory still stands – prove me wrong.