Friday, April 30, 2010

The world has problems

The world is officially a fuckup. We have a lot of problems, which could see our world explode into a million little pieces of anal crumbs, but our problems just got worse.

Never mind the pandemics
Never mind the volcanic ash
Never mind the AWB
Never mind the manchester united supporters
Never mind global warming
Never mind people with Blackberries
Never mind the starving people in Africa
Never mind the people that moer seals with clubs
Never mind fur coats
Never mind Oprah Winfrey
Never mind the fact that our ‘dear’ Alexander McQueen offed himself
Never mind the fact that Hurt Locker won an Oscar
Never mind that Liverpool won no trophies this season
Never mind that Rafael Benitez is still the manager
Never mind that Rafa Benitez still plays Lucas every game
Never mind that Liverpool won’t play Champions League next season
Never mind, Nirvana

The problem that is threatening our very existence was brought to the world’s attention with the release of the 2010 Time 100 Most Influential People in the World list. And up there, with the likes of Barack Obama and Steve Jobs, is none other than fag-ass vampire pansy, Robert Pattinson. This douchebag:

The man/boy/girl/vampire that has single-handedly pissed all over the good names of Count Dracula (the original) and Count Dracula (Leslie Nielson in Dracula: Dead and Loving It).

And you know what the worst part is? Chicks dig him. And now he’s one of the most influential people in the world. Apparently.

Fucking arsehole.

Say a prayer to The Lord above, because there’s nothing on this earth that can help us.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Kentucky Fried Fuckall

Last week I found myself in a state of hunger that would make an Ethiopian look like a king. Everyone has their own 1st prize meal when they’re hungry, the meal that will satisfy extreme hunger the best – mine is a KFC Zinger Meal and a Streetwise 2.

So I made the 5 minute drive to KFC, getting more and more excited with every 100m I drove.

I pulled up to the window of the drive-thru, still unsure of whether “Zinger” or “Streetwise 2” would come out of my mouth first. Zinger came first. Streetwise 2 followed diligently.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for what I heard next. The following dialogue may have been altered for dramatic effect.

KFC: I’m sorry sir, but we have no chicken.

Me: Haha, how much is it?

KFC: I’m sorry, we have no chicken.

Me: What the fuck?

KFC: Excuse me sir?

Me: I’m sorry, what I said was, WHAT THE FUCK? How can Kentucky Fried Chicken not have any chicken? Is this Kentucky Fried Fuckall? Is it Kentucky Fried Dry Rolls and Chips?

KFC: Just hang on a second sir.

(She pops her head through a door and shouts a question at somebody).

KFC: Sir, they said they can make a new batch of chicken but you’ll have to wait a half an hour.

No word of lie. KFC first say they have no chicken. Then they say I’ll have to wait 30 mins for a new batch.

For about 15 seconds, I considered never going to a KFC ever again. But when those 15 seconds of silliness was over, I drove 5km down the road and went to the next closest KFC.

Over the next couple of days, the events of that evening bothered me. I pondered one question day and night for 3 days flat - WWCD? What Would the Colonel Do?

So I decided to find out. I did the only thing that helps in situation like this - I wrote a letter. Actually I filled out one of those ‘contact us’ forms on the website. And I didn’t go for the pisswilly little KFC Cape Town branch. I went for Louisville Kentucky.

And the very next day, I got a phone call, apologising and promising me that the branch will contact me shortly.

I don’t want them to contact me, I want a free bucket of chicken.

If I don’t get a free bucket, I’m getting Eric Cartman and we’re going to find the Colonel himself.

KFC’s got no chicken. What is this world coming to?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Creepy Father

I’ve tried to restrain myself with this one. Being Catholic, I feel bad to make fun of kiddie-fiddling men of the cloth, so when it ‘came out’ that the Pope had covered up some priestly paedophilia, I kept my mouth shut. But the seams burst like a water balloon under Oprah Winfrey when I saw these pictures on Buzzfeed.

I could be wrong here, but this looks like a man who could have covered up some alter boy altering in his day. And some people never saw it coming. Those people obviously didn’t see these pictures.

I suppose he put it on his CV under ‘other holy acts’: Covered up ze feedling of ze kiddies.

Disgusting Benny XVI. Maybe you should’ve just sat yourself down in your little Sistine Chapel and think WWJD?

He definitely wouldn’t have done that you disgusting old man.


Monday, April 19, 2010

United Men and Man United

I'm not going to claim to be a prophet, but I've known and expressed this many times: United are a bunch of pansies. This pic was taken after Paul Scholes scored an injury time winner in the Manchester Derby. Gary Neville dropped his Zimmer Frame and ran to plant a wet one on his lips.

But this is one of many pictures taken of United players in compromising positions. I've pulled out a couple of Shrek and the Portugese Pansy:

" I love it when you do that Wayne"

"I want to rub your sweat all over myself"

"My mouth is open, I'm just waiting for you"
This one's a fake, but still a classic:

We all knew it was true. But these were to convince the doubters.

Braille porn

I tell you no word of lie. A Braille porn magazine has been launched, because single blind people also deserve the right to have a nice wank every now and again.

It's called Tactile Minds and unsurprisingly, it costs £150. Which is a lot of money to feel up something that looks like this:

It's apparently a naked woman in a 'disco pose'. But to us, it looks like Caster Semenya winning the 800 metres.

Lisa Murphy, the woman who had the vision (no pun intended I promise) to create this mag, said: "We're breaking new ground. Playboy has an edition with Braille wording, but there are no pictures." I think Playboy should jump back on the bandwagon soon, because Hugh Hefner turns 108 this year and his eyesight is not what it used to be.

They magazine has been getting rave reviews from the now sexually satisfied blind readers/feelers.

Stevie Wonder had this to say:

"... ..... .. ..... ..... . ... ....... .... ..... ...."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hurt Locker was brilliant


I’m one of those people that will devote 2, even 3, hours of my life to watching a war movie. So you can imagine when Hurt Locker cleaned up at the Oscars, I was like an Archbishop at a alter boy convention.

So I watched it and waited for the awesomeness to smother itself over my eyes.

But sweet fuck it was lame. The Oscar-winners often are, but how can you possibly fail making a war movie? Ask Kathryn Bigelow, who pretended to direct it brilliantly.

That woman should give her Oscars back as well as monetary compensation to the people that should’ve won it. Actually, she should just do the right thing and retire from movie-making forever. And she shouldn’t give blowjobs to members of The Academy.

Oscar-winner my ass.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April Fools

Right. Let’s clear something up. April Fools Jokes haven’t been cool since in 1 April 1984, when the world believed that Marvin Gaye was shot in the head by his own father. They even faked a death certificate to make it more believable.

That was a good one. But these days it’s a fully-fledged fuckshow. Let’s have a look at the headlines on the front page of IOL today:

Man rams car into parked plane

Somali Pirates hold internet world to ransom

Kitten Trapped in KFC’s wall

Julius Malema got a G for woodwork

I think the dumbass badge has got to go to the people who think we are gullible enough to believe this. Or is it all in the spirit of fun and I’m just the Grinch?

And wait for it. At about 2pm, there’s going to be an article on IOL telling us what all the ‘jokes’ were. Those crazy guys.

Next they’ll be telling us Ricky Martin is gay.

Oh by the way, did you know that if you repeat the word ‘gullible’ 3 times, it sounds just like banana?