Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Irritating from beyond the grave

After years and years of pissing us off in the press, worming her way into newspapers and magazines and even violating our valuable TV time with her 'charitable' deeds, Princess Diana is still raping our headline space from the beyond the grave.

Only famous for her moderate good looks and seducing Prince Charles (among many, many, many others – the slag), she got more airtime than Tiger Woods, his golf balls, and his philandering ball sack.

We all give a R2 to the guy at the robots every now and again. We all give the postmen their Christmas bonuses. But we don’t get airtime. Maybe it’s because we don’t notify the media every time we hug an AIDS baby.

And then her funeral went on for hours. There were people crying like they knew her and throwing flowers on at her hearse like they were playing paintball with death.

And for who? Someone who was famous for the chop she married, who later married Britain’s prized race horse.

I digress. I know it’s taken me long to get to the point, but I have a lot of issues with this woman.
So today, I see an article which some editor, sitting there in his nasty-ass tweed jacket, thinks is newsworthy. It’s about Princess Diana having a headache on her wedding day because she wasn’t used to wearing a tiara. That’s it.

So today, nearly 13 years after she died, she still fucks around in our newspapers. Because she had a headache once.


Friday, May 14, 2010

Roon Man

By definition, a savant is someone who is mentally handicapped, often autistic, but with one super special talent.

For example, Kim Peek, the guy that inspired the movie Rain Man (really), has a photographic memory and reads 8 books a day, averaging 10 seconds a page. And he remembers everything he reads.

The man is brilliant. He also has a special talent for dates: He asks people on the streets what their birthday is and how old they are, and he tells them the exact day their birthday fell on in the year they were born, and what day it will fall on in the current year. He’s so brilliant, he’s called a Mega Savant.

A Mega Savant we all know a lot better is Wayne Rooney or Roon Man. This guy is mentally handicapped and unstable. And like any savant, he has a special talent – football, and he’s brilliant. But Roon Man is an absolute half wit.

Today, he’s in the press saying that he wants to be a football manager when he has retired from playing. He’s busy getting his coaching badges (the qualifications required to be a manager) but he doesn’t even know that you don’t need badges to play FIFA or Pro Evolution.

I pulled some quotes from the Mega Savant’s article:

“I love football and enjoy football - I can't see myself running a restaurant, I want to be in football.”


Here’s a peach:

“When YOU do stop playing, I want to be involved in football.”

I stopped playing a long time ago Roon Man, so go ahead and manage your team. It’s no wonder Nike have cancelled his endorsement contract. He’s now the new face of Pick ‘n’ Pay.

Roon Man. Inspired by you.

Fucking idiot.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Let’s clear something up quickly.

Quite often I hear people say, “I’m just going to drink my tablet.”

You can not drink a tablet. You can drink liquids. You can eat solids. But you can not drink a solid. Nobody is physically capable of drinking a solid, not even the late, great Jesus.

Look at them. Solid as a rock. So you eat them.

You take a chill pill, you don't drink a chill pill.

It’s not a very difficult thing to understand. Here are the definitions of eat and drink according to the dictionary.

Drink (verb):
To take water or other liquid into the mouth and swallow it.

Eat (verb):
To take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment; chew and swallow (food/solids).

So can everyone please stop saying they must drink their tablets? You take tablets or eat tablets, not drink them. It’s a fucking solid.

Even if you take it with water: you drink the water and eat the tablet.

Get it right. Morpheus didn't ask Mr Anderson if he would like to drink the red pill or the blue pill.

Only one person can drink tablets. And he’s not reading this (he doesn’t read anyway, he stares books down until he gets the information he wants).